I had this terrible terrible thought…
Is this even real or is it just programming?
Do you even know?
Are you lying to yourself?
Are you sure this what you want?
No this isn’t what I want but I don’t know what I want, so I’m just gonna do it for now, and see where it goes.
Oh, you know where it goes…
Nowhere good, because the lies will catch up to you.
Why do people look at me funny?
They think you’re ugly.
I am ugly.
I don’t know how to fix it.
Me either, I think you’re stuck that way.
And I hate that I have to see this guy today.
Like why do I always agree to things I don’t wanna do?
Because you’re weak…
And you suck.
You think you’re not good enough.
You don’t know what you want.
You like being the victim.
No…you do.
You’re the one that makes me agree to do things, that don’t feel amazing, so really, my misery is on you.
Yeah but, we have to remember, I’m only in your head and what you really need is a lot of sex and to spend all day naked in bed.
But I can’t cuz I’m too fat in my 6 pack, and I’m too skinny in my biceps, so I look like I’m dying.
So, I’m just not pretty enough to get naked and fuck.
Plus you cant risk opening yourself up to those kinds of emotions.
If you let someone in, they’ll hurt you again.
You’re right.
People suck.
And let’s be honest, intimacy is not something you need, you’ll fall in love…
And that’s a slippery slope you can’t get back up from.
But I do like the feeling of feeling close to someone….someone interesting.
Yeah but, I think I have cancer again.
It’s in my right side, somewhere in my intestines.
It could be my gallbladder or my kidney.
It could be in my stomach or my heart.
All I know is, I’m about to fade the fuck out…
I can tell, by how much I hurt.
Should I exercise today?
No. Let’s be lazy.
Should I eat healthy?
No…that’s boring.
Should I write a book?
No, it’s too much work…
And, let’s be honest, who would ever wanna read what you have to say, so it wouldn’t be worth the work OK?
Should I share my art with the world?
No, no one is gonna think your art is good.
Yeah, neither do you.
You’re right, it’s stupid.
Espiecially the alchol ink paintings.
They look like tits and dicks and other things that jist don’t make any sense.
What do you mean?
I mean, you do not make any sense, which is why I can’t do anything great.
What do you mean, you do a lot of things that are great, stop trying to blame your resistance on me.
Yeah but you are me, and you resist me on everything.
I’m only trying to keep you safe.
No, you’re not.
You’re trying to kill me with your narcissistic tendencies so I can’t be free, to just be.
What does that even mean?
And how am I narcissistic?
Oh, I dunno, how about the countless times you dump cement down my throat, just so I can’t express myself…
And that’s what keeps me trapped in my uncertainty.
Can’t we just try to be fearless for once?
How would you do that, you are fear, nothing can change that.
Yeah, you’re right, but I wish I could have my dream home with an ocean view and a garden to grow my own food, and maybe true love to come home too.
Yeah, you wish, but that’s not possible for people like us.
Plus, you don’t have good credit, so you could never get a mortgage and, she’s never coming back. So forget that.
And I wish I could heal myself fully and completely without needing the chemicals they used to practically kill me.
Yeah, but you can’t self heal when I don’t even know who’s making me sick.
Well, I know for sure, you are.
And I know you’re the one that needs more love, not more of who you are.
You’re right, I do need more love.
I don’t know how to get it tho.
It scares me to death, to be honest.
No, it doesn’t, you’re just stuck living in the past.
Well, where else would I live?
I dunno, how about the only place that truly exists, which is the present.
OK, what do I get for being present?
Well, you get to be free…
Free from what?
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
